Conservatism 101 (2005)

 Redux. It's been a while. I still like it. And I still believe it.

*

I'm for red meat, guns and God. I'm for school vouchers, prayer in school, and teaching the classics written by all those dead white guys. I'm for marriage first, then kids. I'm for monogamy. I'm for "staying together for the kids". I'm for preaching abstinence as the only SURE way to avoid pregnancy and STDs. I'm for being realistic and teaching "safe sex" too. I'm for good manners. I'm for Americans anglicizing everything except "La Jolla".

I'm for the red "fly-over" states between California and New York. I'm for war in Iraq and death for all Islamic Terrorists. I'm for representative democracy and a strong republic. I'm pro-choice on smoking tobacco. I'm for the American flag and American movies. I'm for John Phillip Souza and marching bands. I'm for the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. I'm for parades on Independence Day. I'm for real Rock 'N Roll. I'm for free enterprise and honest capitalism. I'm for hard grading in school and holding back kids who don't cut it. I'm for corporal punishment if necessary. I'm for self-discipline. I'm for England, Italy and Australia. I'm for Israel.

I'm for personal responsibility. I'm for honor and courage. I'm for English as the official language of the United States. I'm for tort reform. I'm for a cost of living that lets moms stay home with the kids. I'm for chocolate. I'm for a good body image for girls bigger than size 2. I'm for ladies and gentlemen of all ages. I'm for capital punishment. I'm for compromise on abortion because without it, the issue will never be put to rest. I'm for making money. I'm for a two year moritorium on all immigration. I'm for deporting all illegal aliens. I'm for the INS acting like cops, instead of travel agents. I'm for tight border control. I'm for science and technology making life better and more fun. I'm for compassionate treatment of animals. I'm for QVC and the NRA. I'm for rugged individualism and heroes. I'm for The National Review and Fox News.

I'm against high taxes, multiculturalism, bi-lingual anything except opera, illegals sneaking across our borders, dirty words on T-shirts. I'm against tattoos on kids and women. I'm against pornography because it warps kids, exploits women and degrades the men who watch it. I'm against racial politics, gender politics, homosexual politics, tribal politics, victim politics. I'm against gays and women in fighting units in the Army and Marines. I'm against gays and women on ships in the Navy. I'm against lowering the physical requirements for cops, firemen and the NFL so women can qualify. I'm against racial preferences. I'm against gender preferences. I'm against pretending deviants are normal. I'm against taxpayers paying for sex-change operations. I'm against France*, Indonesia and Saudi Arabia. I'm against a Palestinian state. I'm against calling Qatar "gutter".

I'm against euphemisms that make bad things sound good. I'm against welfare without work. I'm against teachers ignorant of history and grammar. I'm against greedy unions, greedy corporations and greedy racial hucksters demanding reparations for slavery. I'm against liberal bias in the media. I'm against amnesty for illegal aliens. I'm against ignorant gun-haters who think any long gun with a scope is a "high-powered rifle" and that a "semi-automatic" is a machine gun. I'm against hate-crime laws. I'm against sissies who think a dirty joke is sexual harassment. I'm against activist judges. I'm against the Nanny State. I'm against the ACLU. I'm against The Nation, the New York Times and CNN.

I believe self-esteem is a by-product of accomplishment. I believe that women can do anything men can do as long as it doesn't require much upper-body strength. I believe that reading is the first requirement of a civilized society. I believe the truth of the study that proved "more guns, less crime". I believe the price of rights is duty, and "the price of liberty is eternal vigilance". I believe new is not always better. I believe knowledge of history is the best preparation for the future. I believe that neither people nor societies are perfectible. I believe the best cultural changes are organic. I believe actions have consequences, often unintended. I believe thinking is a higher function that feeling. I believe that all Utopians are incipient Totalitarians. I believe that America is the best man has done so far.

(And I believe that sometimes it's a shame you can't just shoot the bastards.)

The Gunslinger


*This was originally written in 2005, when France was still unofficially known as "cheese eating surrender monkeys".