I Couldn't Add a Thing...

By Howard Kurtz
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, September 3, 2008; A1


Media Bubble, Sept. 2 -- Embattled former beauty queen Sarah Palin* continued to wilt yesterday under the pressure of numerous fair, evenhanded media questions regarding the alleged state of "Alaska." Palin has claimed to be "governor" of the legendary northern land mass, which, while heretofore undiscovered by explorers, was once rumored to contain vast expanses rich with oil, gold, and "eski-mos."

Palin first made the "Alaska" claim during an Aug. 29 public appearance alongside elderly, mean-looking cancer victim John McCain. McCain, a white man with even whiter hair, has long publicly blocked efforts by Barack Obama, a youthful black man with a certain indefinable aura about him, to move into Obama's new house. Palin, also white-skinned, has been linked to the McCain offensive.

After four days of telling silence from the McCain camp, Palin finally deigned to reappear in public yesterday. In a followup press conference, Palin, who is a girl, lashed out at the media.

"Listen to me: Alaska. Is. A. State. Seriously. The 49th state, in fact. Way up north there. What, did somebody go around your newsrooms and hide all the maps underneath the ethics manuals? Or are you idiots just completely insane?"

Shaking her head in a transparent attempt to feign exasperation, Palin -- who is perhaps not as pretty as she thinks she is -- then left the podium without answering followup questions regarding her plagiarism of CBS's Northern Exposure.

Internet reaction to the unfit mother's unhinged rant was swift. Andrew Sullivan, right-wing blogger for The Atlantic, saw Palin's comments as a major misstep. "She's working the refs. This is what they do. Sure, blame the media. Is it their fault she's too chicken to back up these suspicious claims?

"Look, I'm willing to entertain the idea that there really is a place called 'Alaska.' We've all heard the old wives' tales, and I've dreamed about such a rugged, outdoorsy paradise since I was about 13 or 14. But why is she so afraid to give us some proof? I mean, I've never been there, have you?"

Yukon Cornelius could not be reached for comment.

Update: After consultation with the Association of American Geographers and several DC-area kindergarten students, the Washington Post can now report that many current world maps contain a small area in the northwest corner of North America labeled "Alaska." Palin's relationship with the mapmaking industry is currently under investigation.

*Real name unconfirmed at press time

[I received this via email, with only the following attribution: "Posted by Jim Treacher at September 3, 2008 06:09 AM" --The Gunslinger]