I didn't want to mention this until I thought it might actually stick, but I am no longer smoking. Today marks 3 weeks away from the evil weed.
And I'm still sort of off-balance...reaching for the pack, wondering what to do in those "down" moments when a cigarette used to fill the space and time.
It's partly responsible for my inexcusably erratic postings. I am sort of a mess...and sort of spacing out, and sort of weirdly depressed, bored, annoyed, fidgety & enervated all at once.
At the moment, I don't really give a shit about politics. And I'm not sure why.
Oh I'm just as pissed as ever (more perhaps, just now—heh heh), but I can't concentrate on the narrative. Reading/listening to anything "serious" is a task I'm just not up for. All I can deal with at the moment is pop escapism—fiction reading and TV.
Not that great for someone who writes a political/social commentary blog. And REALLY not good for someone who is the ostensible "leader of the pack" of a local political group. Thank God for the "leadership team" who are picking up my slack...but it makes me feel guilty as hell.
I just can't seem to get it together.
I feel like I'm shedding my old life. Life everything needs to be re-evaluated and redone. I feel like I want to get in (a new) car with the "Supernatural" soundtrack on the stereo, screaming down a highway to parts unknown....and never come back.
I feel like nicotine has been my SOMA...keeping me somnolent in a Matrix fugue.
For 40 years.
And suddenly I'm awake, and I'm stuck in this boring place, in this nowhere town, somehow settling for this nowhere existence at this nowhere job supporting this nowhere life...for no good reason. wondering what the hell the point of it all is.
And it all seems so extreme for just not smoking cigarettes - that THAT's embarrassing too. Millions of people have done it. Why am I going so crazy?
They say it's all temporary. But, honestly, three weeks of it seems like forever.
I understand that at somewhere between a month and 6 weeks I should return to some semblance of normalcy where not smoking becomes the comfortable norm....and my regular like can resume.
So...between one and three more weeks of this off-balance, weird craziness to go.
Oh fucking sweet.
I know you quit years ago....it's only my bad attitude and militant anti-anti-smoking crusade that kept me from doing it when I should have a long time ago too. So, tell me how long before it's all going to be "okay", and all the psychosis ends...
...and lie to me if you have to.
The Gunslinger
(Breathing to fight another day)
Joebama American citizens 2024 print
9 months ago
When it gets bad just remind yourself that "if you feed it, it grows, if you starve it, it dies."
ReplyDeleteKill it before it kills you. Denial is the gun you're holding to its head. Starve it, grin it down, see it as the fight it is and gird up you mind for battle. It's more fun and more centering that way. The balance comes with victory and I can't imaging you letting the sumbitch live another day in your brain.
Win.
Bad news. It's been eight years for me and I still find myself reaching for that pack of cowboys at odd times every once in a while. But it does pass quickly.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you're going it alone or have some help in the form of a prescription or other aid. When I smoked, it was two packs a day. If I had a long flight or knew I was going to be jammed up someplace where I couldn't smoke for a lengthy bit of time I'd slap on a Nicoderm patch. It bled enough nicotine into my system that I refrained from killing anyone.
My greatest incentive for quitting was to deprive the bastards their tax revenue. Every time the state needs money they hike the tax on a pack of smokes. When I quit they had just bumped them again. Maybe it will help if when you find yourself wanting to fire one up you just keep repeating Fuck the government, fuck the government, fuck the government until a self satisfied little smile appears and you're good until the next time.
Does waking up to the fact you are still in CA have anything to do with it? = )
ReplyDeleteTrust me it is worth it. They killed my dad and it is not a good way to go. . . .
I cannot tell you how long it will be until things a A-OK after your quitting smoking, Gunslinger, but I can tell you that you, and only you, can do it! Smoking does not rule you, you rule smoking.
ReplyDeleteGood on you. I lost my wife last month to lung cancer, she was a 2 pack a day smoker since she was in her teens (she was 45).
ReplyDeleteI've been told the physical part of the addiction goes away in 3 days but the mental part is the one you fight with. Keep up the good work!
Good for you. Before you know it the evil will disappear and there will only be good.....
ReplyDeleteGood work! The first couple of weeks are the worst. Just think of all the socialism you're not funding every time you feel the need. Then take the money you've saved after a few months and buy yourself something you really like as a reward.
ReplyDeleteNot much consolation, but breaking the smoking habit is the most difficult of all the bad habits to break. I've known alcoholics who had an easier time putting down the bottle than the smokes. Nicotine must be one helluva substance.
ReplyDeleteStay with it. And the urge won't necessarily stay with you long term. Maybe some, but not
everyone. I quit in '86 and never felt the urge again.
If you made it this far you can do it! When I quit I was not a pleasant person to be around for a few weeks. Lack of nicotine made me want to murder progressives. Joking! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI still haven't quit. The most I've lasted is a week. Good for you! You can do it! And maybe I'll start trying again myself.
ReplyDelete"...weirdly depressed, bored, annoyed, fidgety & enervated all at once."
ReplyDeleteAnd armed. Great combination.
I quit for good, the last time, in '96. Put on several pounds because I substituted candy for the nicotine. Once in a blue moon, I will crave a cigarette. I was burning three packs of the red cowboy killers every day. The fact that I could smell again, taste again, breathe again was worth the absolute hell I put everyone through for the first month or so. I still get winded on long runs, but the long runs are longer than they were even in my prime (and I saw forty nearly a decade ago).
Good on ya, sister, and keep up the good work. You can do it. I have faith in you.
I want to thank all of you so much for your kind commments and helpful advice.
ReplyDeleteJoan...I'd like to say particularly, the way you described it as a battle, and "more fun and more centering that way" was brilliant.
And just the sort of point of view and attitude that appeals to me.
It will help me get through the rough patches that still come unexpectedly.
Oh God, Larry, I'm so sorry. That's way too young! I wish there was something I could say or do that would help. But I know there's only "I'm sorry for your loss."
ReplyDelete