Yeah, well. Only because I was expecting a different kind of "bad".
I expected physical/psychological cravings for CIGARETTES.
But it turns out that's not the real danger (though I get them from time to time and they suck.)
No. The real problem is the feelings of emptiness and pointlessness; of generalized frustration and dissatisfaction; a sort of grief of loss and sadness — and extreme boredom. Which are all spiteful little snatches of DEPRESSION.
Somebody said that in the beginning quitting smoking made him feel like he'd lost his best friend, but by the sixth week he felt like he had defeated his worst enemy.
I've talked about the TV show Supernatural before, in which the heroes hunt all manner of supernatural evils, including demons, who in order to materialize on this plane, must possess a human body. Very unpleasant for the human, as you can imagine, who remains awake and aware, but not in control of his body.
I feel like a demon is trying to take me over, and we're in this pitched battle...and his weapons are psychological tricks to make me feel bad...to get me to smoke again to get rid of all these debilitating and depressing emotions.
Demon Weed.
Thinking about it like this is helpful. It's like there is something "to fight"...you know? Not just amorphous feelings of lassitude, enervation and listless depression.
Every time I feel like that, I personify it...and picture the Demon "attacking" me. Which generates the fight response, and anger which is WAY better than depression as a mood enhancer.
So, you know, it's good.
But, I'll sure be happy when I finally KILL the bastard.
The battle is hard. And the enemy is sneaky, relentless and mean.
The Gunslinger
(Demon Killer)
I expected physical/psychological cravings for CIGARETTES.
But it turns out that's not the real danger (though I get them from time to time and they suck.)
No. The real problem is the feelings of emptiness and pointlessness; of generalized frustration and dissatisfaction; a sort of grief of loss and sadness — and extreme boredom. Which are all spiteful little snatches of DEPRESSION.
Somebody said that in the beginning quitting smoking made him feel like he'd lost his best friend, but by the sixth week he felt like he had defeated his worst enemy.
I've talked about the TV show Supernatural before, in which the heroes hunt all manner of supernatural evils, including demons, who in order to materialize on this plane, must possess a human body. Very unpleasant for the human, as you can imagine, who remains awake and aware, but not in control of his body.
I feel like a demon is trying to take me over, and we're in this pitched battle...and his weapons are psychological tricks to make me feel bad...to get me to smoke again to get rid of all these debilitating and depressing emotions.
Demon Weed.
Thinking about it like this is helpful. It's like there is something "to fight"...you know? Not just amorphous feelings of lassitude, enervation and listless depression.
Every time I feel like that, I personify it...and picture the Demon "attacking" me. Which generates the fight response, and anger which is WAY better than depression as a mood enhancer.
So, you know, it's good.
But, I'll sure be happy when I finally KILL the bastard.
The battle is hard. And the enemy is sneaky, relentless and mean.
The Gunslinger
(Demon Killer)
While reading I thought of the great jazz trumpeter, Miles Davis. When he cold-turkeyed
ReplyDeleteheroin, he locked himself in a room at his father's home. When he licked it, he came out and his father was waiting for them, and they hugged each other and cried. Maybe you could use a good hug--hugs from where I am.
"Thinking about it like this is helpful. It's like there is something "to fight"...you know? Not just amorphous feelings of lassitude, enervation and listless depression.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I feel like that, I personify it...and picture the Demon "attacking" me. Which generates the fight response, and anger which is WAY better than depression as a mood enhancer.
So, you know, it's good."
Not to in any way slight people's religion, but you've hit on just what it is that Religion does, one of the things anyway. It takes what would otherwise be drab philosophy, and with an artful application of poetic fire, turns those dull abstractions into living concerns which you can, and must, not only feel strongly about, but oppose, fight, even hate - and of course admire and even love.
No one gives a rat's patutee about increasing control over near autonomic responses, but fighting demons from hell out to wrench away your very soul... now that's something you can get behind.
(And just because it's poetic, doesn't mean it ain't real... at the very least, it's absolutely True)
"No one gives a rat's patutee about increasing control over near autonomic responses, but fighting demons from hell out to wrench away your very soul... now that's something you can get behind."
ReplyDeleteAmen, brother.
Hang in there and fight. It sounds as if you are just about "over the hump". In the long run you will feel better for it.
ReplyDeleteA. Nonny Mouse
30 days (last Wednesday). Seems to be an actual milestone...I actually notice a difference in the way I feel, emotionally (psychologically?)
ReplyDeleteStill crazy. But less weirded out.
Yay.
And Don....
ReplyDeleteThanks for the HUG. I needed that!